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DEALING WITH GRIEF
Grief is not a single emotion. It's an experience that you feel physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or spiritually when you go through a meaningful loss.
The death of someone close is emotionally traumatic and you will usually experience intense emotions that are not easy to cope with. Shock, disbelief, anger, profound sadness, emptiness, yearning, loneliness and guilt are probably the most universally experienced symptoms of grief.
Each person is affected by grief differently. Even two people who go through the same loss may grieve in different ways. For example, one person might go through grief for longer or be less able to function on a day-to-day basis.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief is highly individual and finding your way through will take time.
You'll hear people tell you 'Well, so and so is in a better place' and whilst that may be so, for the person left dealing with the loss, it doesn't
make the pain any less.
You'll be told by well-meaning friends and relatives that 'time heals'. Unfortunately, this is unhelpful because time itself does not heal.
Just because the intensity of your feelings might decrease over time, that doesn't mean time alone is what's doing the healing. It's what you do
within a particular time frame, the actions you take, that will help you complete the emotional grieving process.
It's absolutely vital that you complete your grieving process because incomplete grief limits your capacity for joy and happiness in the future.
True healing happens gradually, it cannot be forced nor hurried and there's no 'grief timetable'. Healing is individualistic and operates on a different
timescale for every one of us.
With time, most bereaved people do come through the grieving process with help from friends, family, support networks and therapy.
What is Grieving?
It helps to think of grieving as a form of learning - one that teaches us how to be in the world without someone we love in it.
Grief is a natural response to loss - so we'll feel grief forever.
A woman who lost her mother as a child is going to experience that grief on her wedding day because it's a new moment where she's having a response to loss.
But "grieving" means that our relationship to that grief changes over time. So, the first time, maybe even the first 100 times, you're knocked off your feet with grief, it feels terrible and awful and unfamiliar. But maybe the 101st time, you think to yourself, "I hate this, I don't want this to be true. But I do recognise it, and I do know that I will get through the wave."
When you're knocked over by that wave of grief, you want to know, "When will this end?" It ends when you learn a new response which can take several months.
Some people start to feel better in weeks or months; for others the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it's important to be
patient with yourself and allow the process to unfold naturally.
Grief can make you feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster, able to cope one minute and overwhelmed the next. As time passes, the balance between
good and bad days will start to shift gradually and you will start to have more good days and fewer bad.
You may not be able to think/process as you normally would. This is a natural reaction to bereavement, as are the emotions outlined below and is not a
sign that you can't cope anymore.
Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what has happened. At the moment people are experiencing so much change and uncertainty and fear.
You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss is real or even deny it has happened. You may keep expecting them to show up, even though
you know they're gone.
You may have feelings of profound sadness, emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or not at all.
Guilt is a common reaction and can take different forms. You may feel guilty about things you did or didn't say or do. You may feel guilty that you
couldn't protect your loved one or be with them when they died even if there was no possible way for you to have been there.
You may feel angry and resentful and this is an understandable response to feeling out of control, powerless and abandoned.
Your sense of anger might replace your sadness for a while. Death can seem cruel and unfair.
You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice of your loss.
These are unprecedented times and a significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears for other loved ones and yourself.
You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your
own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.
We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical symptoms such as:
Prolonged Grief Disorder
It's important to remember that 90% of people experience difficult grief and suffering, but don't have a disorder after losing a loved one.
However, there remains a small proportion of people who do find they are not able to function day to day in the way that they wish they could.
For example, they're not getting out the door to work or getting dinner on the table for their kids or they're not able to, say, listen to
music because it's just too upsetting or clear out their loved one's personal effects.
This is referred to as 'prolonged grief disorder'.
Intervention is necessary in order to help get them back on the healing trajectory where they will still feel grief, but they will adapt to it differently.
The older term was 'complicated grief' and although prolonged grief disorder is the new term, there's a reason that I like the term complicated - because
it makes you think of complications.
As an example, one of those is the grief-related thinking that people sometimes experience. The 'would've, should've, could've' thoughts.
And they just roll through your head over and over again.
The problem with these thoughts is that they all end in this virtual scenario where the person doesn't die. And that's just not reality.
And so, by spinning in these thoughts, not only is there no answer, there are an infinite number of possibilities with no actual answer of what
would have happened, but it also isn't necessarily helping us to adapt to the painful reality that they did die.
And so, our virtual version is not really helping us to learn how to be in the world now.
How can I help myself?
Every loss is tragic. It's ok to ask for help. Talking about how you are feeling to family and friends can be helpful.
Look after your physical health.
The mind and body are connected. Try to maintain a routine and take care of yourself by eating well, exercising and getting
enough rest. Be cautious using alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.
Try to maintain your hobbies and interests.
Don't let anyone tell you how to feel and be kind to yourself.
Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it's time to 'move on'. Let yourself feel whatever you feel without
judgment or embarrassment. It's okay to be angry, to cry or not to cry. It's also okay to laugh and to find moments of joy. Be kind to yourself.
Plan ahead for grief 'triggers'.
The 'firsts' are difficult. The first birthday, anniversary, milestones and moments you would have shared.
Be prepared for an emotional wallop and know that it's completely normal. Get in contact with friends/family and let them know
the day is coming. Plan to be with people on that day.
How you can help someone dealing with grief
The point is not trying to cheer them up. The point is to be with them and let them know that you will be there for them and
that you can imagine a future for them where they're not constantly being knocked over by the waves of grief.
Grief is exhausting, bone-tiring. But calls, texts, emails of support matter. Don't get offended if you don't get a response or if they don't
want to be social. It isn't personal.
Sometimes words need to soak in and linger to be soothing. Sometimes the simple act of responding to outreach feels completely overwhelming.
Know your outreach reminds them that they are not alone.
When you're together, let your friend cry and cry with them. You don't need to be strong for them - even in their weakness, they're already stronger
than you could ever possibly imagine.
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable and not being able to fully understand. Share empathy, not pity, for what you can imagine.
If you don't know what to say, simply tell them that you're thinking of them.
Whether it's been 1 month, 5 years or 10 years - speak of them. You aren't bringing up a sensitive topic or bad memories.
There will never ever be a day their lost loved one is not on their mind. Parents may cry hearing a lost child's name spoken aloud,
but these types of tears are fresh glue to a broken heart that will never be fully mended.
If they ask something of you, DO IT.
If you're struggling with grief, don't struggle in silence.
Ian McLeod CHP(NC), MNSHP&M, DPLT
