LIVING WITH A PARTNER WHO HAS A PHOBIA

Most people don't like snakes. Many don't like insects, bats, or rats. Or anything that falls into the 'creepy,crawly,slimy,gross' category. Some people fear storms, refuse to use lifts, or panic on planes. Still others break into a cold sweat at the thought of giving a speech, using a public toilet, or having a procedure done that includes the potential sight of blood. The difference between not liking something and a real phobia is that the phobia impacts on the sufferers life in a in a major, distressing way. If your partner has a phobia, the dislike of whatever the phobia is centred around goes way beyond just an 'Ewwww!' reaction.

By definition, phobias are irrational fears about something that is not posing a danger. People who have phobias generally know their reaction is overblown, but feel powerless to try to change their thoughts. Many don't even know the origin of their phobia, although many phobias do develop around a traumatic experience (such as having a fear of dogs after being bitten as a child). Many are learnt for example, the Mother who had a phobia of spiders (arachnaphobia) and so her child learns to fear them.

Witnessing your partner having a negative reaction in response to encountering a phobia trigger can be frightening. Having to change your plans in order to accommodate your partner's phobias can get annoying, such as driving a long distance because your partner won't fly, or not being able to live in your dream house because your partner refuses to live by the sea. What can you do to help your partner deal with their phobias?

Helping in the moment

Let's say you are out on a walk with your partner, who has a fear of dogs, and suddenly, an off-lead dog comes bounding towards you. The owner is nowhere in sight, and your partner panics. Your partner may freeze, run, scream, start sweating profusely, and/or become dizzy, to name a few symptoms.

Here's what you can do:

• Remain calm, and ask your partner if they want your help. If your partner has had this phobia for many years, they may have ways to cope on their own, and your trying to 'help' may not be needed. If so, step out of the way, but keep an eye on your partner until the situation is over.
• If your partner does want your help, position yourself between your partner and the dog (if it is safe for you to do so). If your partner has a fear of insects, be the one to take care of it.
• Take care of whatever needs to be done in the situation while allowing your partner space to calm down. That may even mean taking hold of the dog (if safe to do so) and finding its owner.
• When your partner is calmer, ask if there is anything else you can do to help. If yes, do it. If no, drop the subject for now.

Treatment for phobias

Phobias are a type of anxiety and anxiety is one of the most treatable psychiatric disorders. Phobias can be treated successfully through a range of therapies delivered by a qualified therapist. Your partner and the therapist will develop a specific exposure plan to help your partner become desensitized to the trigger, and also develop coping skills for when they are triggered.

Getting your partner to agree to treatment can be tricky, though. After all, does it really sound like fun to be exposed to something you are scared to death of, in the presence of a stranger?

As I mentioned in the beginning, phobias can be frightening and frustrating for both partners. They can seriously affect quality of life, not only for the person who has a phobia but also their partner and it is not fair to ask you to constantly accommodate your partner's fears however, being a supportive partner can make the experience less scary for your partner.

My blog article 'Everything you want to know about Phobia but were afraid to ask!' provides much more information.
Ian McLeod CHP(NC), MNSHP&M, DPLT

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